When I was a younger I tried pretty hard to be liked. Whenever someone did not like me I’d try to figure out why and try to fix it. I wanted to be liked, I was a people pleaser. I also hated confrontation and arguments, I tried to calm situations down because I’d be nervous and anxious with any small amount of disagreements. I was a sensitive chap. There were exceptions but overall that was the rule. While digging into alternative views of reality, conspiracy theories, various political parties and governance systems I started to develop quite different views than the average person. It become nearly impossible to be honest and a people pleaser. So I started to deviate from my former self into a more challenging human – the opposite of a people pleaser. I believe one can be honest and sincere and be a people pleaser. To do that you can’t have strong thoughts, opinions, views, beliefs, and convictions that are in direct opposition to the mainstream thought. Unless you keep all of your communication superficial and hold everything in disagreement inside, which I really do not enjoy.
So as I became more open minded into various differing viewpoints and gained strong opinions and convictions on some of them I became less fun to be around, and I had less fun. Especially for other people with strong opinions and convictions that differ from my own. And this was triple the case for people who do not care to explore ideas long enough to hear the reasoning and experiences that have led me to those beliefs and convictions or for them to explain some of the nuances of why they think how they do. I’ve become a little impatient through this. I’ll rip through things to try and explore what I find the more important aspects of whatever we are talking about and get annoyed if the person I’m talking to will not engage or disrupts every single sentence or two. The rebuttals I get from most people are things I’ve thought extensively about and most of it I used to think along those same lines, so I want to explore new ground and not just bounce around common thought. At times, and in certain moods, and with certain personalities I become obnoxious. It’s as if I want to do the extreme opposite of please and just repel them away.
Because of all of this and more I have become confusing to many. Small talk is a bore, nonstop questions usually derail, and my patience is withering for people who do not have the patience to dig deep. And I’m fine with that. In my view at this point I do not have to please you. We do not have to be friends. If you want to dig into ideas I’d love to have a conversation. But it’s not fun to just skim across the surface and never dive in. Typically being told how incorrect my view is but never allowing me to explain further than a sentence or two – which will never suffice.
Maybe that’s why many people seem to avoid me. But I honestly don’t mind that with most people. I have friends that I can dig deep into ideas with, and I’d like more of them but not the fake superficial relationship type. I’d rather be avoided than have pointless conversations about nothing that goes nowhere. If anyone wants to dig deep into many subjects I’m almost always ready and willing. Lets go digging!
It seems to me much better to be a genuine sincere person than a people pleaser. Please just be honest, I don’t care if we disagree but lets disagree and dig deep into why and perhaps we can persuade one another on a better view – or find new places together. We can be great friends and disagree, I know this because I have friends and we have disagreements. So long as we can be heard and get richly through the ideas. And if you dislike that, then I don’t care to please you with endless superficial niceties. I’d rather we not pretend to be friends.
Just wanted to put out a little ranting ramble on this idea since it’s fresh on the mind. You may know people like me and this information may help you connect. Or you may be kind of like this and it is okay, you don’t have to please everyone. With all of that I still think it is very important to attempt communication with people. People pleaseing can lead to dishonest communication and brutal honesty can sever relationships – it’s a tough balance. In my view it’s more important to lean on the side of brutal honesty and focus on relationships that can develop into something deeper and richer than trying to please everyone with sugary, fake, niceness. The grumpiest people I’ve met in life have been pretty awesome and even nice once you get to their rich nougat center. It really might be that Eloheem (God) gifts to some people an abrasive character to keep the swine from those pearls :P.
I'm using my own subjective experience and personality to explore an idea here. You are a unique person and there are many different personality types. Some personalities clash with others, we don't all have to get along and that is okay. Be yourself and attempt to develop into what our Maker desires you to be. And if that is at odds with some people don't stress about it. Not only do you not have to please everyone, you cannot do such a thing and that's perfectly normal and okay.
I found this blog with a couple posts (here and here) after writing this but before posting and wanted to add the links to it in this write-up. I find it relatable and related to this topic, I’d recommend reading it for further thoughts on the subject.